Why your child says “fine” (and what to ask instead)
Usually it isn’t about your child, and it isn’t about you. The timing is off or the question is too big. Here’s what to try instead.
IN THIS ARTICLE
You ask how school was. They say “fine”. You ask what they did. “Nothing.” You ask if anything happened. “I don’t know.”
If that sounds familiar, you’re far from alone. It can leave you feeling shut out of a big part of your child’s life, or hearing about their day second-hand from another parent at pick-up.
The good news is that “fine” is rarely a sign that something is wrong between you. Most of the time, it just means the question didn’t work.
What kids say about “fine”
Educator Deborah Farmer Kris once asked a group of 11- to 14-year-olds what they say when a parent asks “How was your day?” They answered together: “Fine.”
When she asked why, their reasons fell into two groups.
Wrong time. Straight after school they’re tired and don’t want to be quizzed. Some children are happy to talk in the afternoon. Many aren’t.
Wrong question. “How was your day?” covers six hours or more. As one student put it, “a lot happens in a day.” Summing it all up takes effort, so “fine” is the easy answer.
Neither reason means your child is being difficult or you’re doing something wrong.
Change the timing
The moment they come through the school gate is often the worst time to ask. They’ve spent all day following instructions and being around people. A snack and some space usually come first.
Better moments tend to be the ones where you’re not facing each other: in the car, walking the dog, cooking together or sitting on the end of the bed at night. Some children open up late in the evening, just as you’re ready to switch off. If your child starts talking at bedtime, it’s usually worth staying a few extra minutes.
Ask a smaller question
Big, general questions get short, general answers. Small, specific questions are easier because your child only has to think of one thing.
Instead of “How was your day?”, try one of these questions from Tuko:
- What was the best part of your day today?
- Who did you have fun with this week?
- What do you enjoy doing when you first get home?
- Has there been anything tricky about your week?
- If you could re-live a moment from this week, what would it be?
- What is something you have got better at lately?
- What is a question you wish people would ask about your day?
The last one is worth keeping in your back pocket. Their answer tells you what to ask next time.
Go first
Children share more when it doesn’t feel like an interview. One simple way to change that is to answer the question yourself.
Farmer Kris’s family uses three words for this: a “yay” (something good), an “oops” (a mistake) and a “blah” (something dull or frustrating). Parents share theirs too. Hearing “I had a real blah at work today” makes it easier for a child to say “I had one at lunch.”
This is the idea behind every question in Tuko. Questions work best when they go both ways, so you’re getting to know each other rather than one person asking and the other answering.
When “fine” really is fine
Sometimes a child just doesn’t want to talk, and that’s OK. Not every day has a story in it, and pushing for more can turn “fine” into a habit. A relaxed “OK, tell me later if you think of something” leaves the door open without pressure.
If “fine” comes with other changes, such as poor sleep, losing interest in things they love or pulling away from friends, it’s worth a gentle check-in, or a chat with their school or GP.
Your turn
Pick one question from the list above and try it this week, at a time that isn’t straight after school. Then answer it yourself.
If you’d like more questions like these, Tuko has nearly 700 of them, from light and fun to deep. Try 30 questions free.
Common questions
Why does my child always say “fine”?
Usually because the question is too broad or the timing is off. Straight after school, many children are tired, and “How was your day?” asks them to sum up hours in one go.
What can I ask instead of “How was your day?”
Ask about one specific thing: the best part of the day, who they had fun with or something tricky. Specific questions are easier to answer.
When is the best time to talk to my child about their day?
When there’s less pressure: in the car, on a walk, while cooking or at bedtime.
Is it normal for kids to give one-word answers?
Yes, it’s very common. On its own, it isn’t a sign that something is wrong.
Why does my child always say “fine”?
Usually because the question is too broad or the timing is off. Straight after school, many children are tired, and “How was your day?” asks them to sum up hours in one go.
What can I ask instead of “How was your day?”
Ask about one specific thing: the best part of the day, who they had fun with or something tricky. Specific questions are easier to answer.
When is the best time to talk to my child about their day?
When there’s less pressure: in the car, on a walk, while cooking or at bedtime.
Is it normal for kids to give one-word answers?
Yes, it’s very common. On its own, it isn’t a sign that something is wrong.
Sources
- Deborah Farmer Kris, “Yay, Oops, Blah”, Parenthood365, 27 September 2022.