How to ask your child questions without feeling like you’re hounding them
You want to know what’s going on in their life. They want you to stop asking. Here’s how to find the middle ground.
IN THIS ARTICLE
You ask one question and get a one-word answer. So you ask another. And another. Before long, you can hear yourself sounding like a detective, and your child is edging towards the door.
Most parents know the feeling. You’re asking because you care and want to know they’re OK. But it doesn’t feel like that from their side.
Why asking more doesn’t work
It seems logical: if you want to know more, ask more. The research suggests something different.
A large study of 14-year-olds in Sweden looked at how parents come to know what their teenagers are doing. Teenagers who were doing well tended to have parents who knew what was going on in their lives. That link had more to do with what teenagers chose to tell their parents than with parents checking up on them.
In other words, what your child chooses to tell you seems to matter more than how closely you check. The goal isn’t to ask better follow-up questions. It’s to be the kind of person they want to tell.
That research was with teenagers, but the same approach is worth trying with younger children: keep talking easy, and try not to make it feel like a test.
What makes children want to tell you
Warmth. In a study of older teenagers, those who saw their parents as warm and responsive said they told them more. Feeling listened to seems to matter a lot.
How you react. Your response to what they share can shape whether they share next time. If a small confession leads to a lecture, they learn to keep things to themselves. Try to listen first and save the advice for later, or for when they ask.
Not having to perform. A question that has a “right” answer feels like a quiz. Questions with no right answer, such as what they think or what they’d do, feel more like a chat.
Ask less, notice more
One question, not five. Ask one good question and leave space for the answer. If it goes nowhere, let it go.
Pick your moment. Straight after school or the minute they walk through the door is usually the hardest time. Car trips, cooking together and bedtime tend to be easier.
Go first. Share something from your own day. It turns an interview into a conversation.
Notice what they bring up. When they mention a friend, a game or a song, that’s an opening. Ask about it later. It shows you were listening.
Let them ask you. Some of the best conversations start when a child gets to ask the questions.
Questions that don’t feel like an interrogation
All of these are from Tuko. None of them has a right answer.
- Is there a chat we started recently that we didn’t get to finish?
- Tell me two truths and one lie about your week, and I will try and guess the lie.
- What is a question you wish people would ask about your day?
- What are some things that help you feel closer to me?
- Is there something I could do to make it easier for you to share your ideas with me?
- What is a question you have always wanted to ask me?
Your turn
This week, try asking one question a day instead of several, and answer it yourself too. Notice whether anything changes.
Tuko gives you one question at a time, from light and silly to deep. Nearly 700 in all. Try 30 questions free.
Common questions
How do I get my child to talk without nagging?
Ask fewer, more open questions at relaxed moments. Share your own answers too, and respond calmly to what they tell you.
Why does my child get annoyed when I ask questions?
Lots of questions in a row can feel like an interrogation, especially when they’re tired. One good question with space for the answer usually works better.
Is it OK not to know everything about my child’s life?
Yes. Children need some privacy as they grow. What matters most is that they know they can come to you.
How do I get my child to talk without nagging?
Ask fewer, more open questions at relaxed moments. Share your own answers too, and respond calmly to what they tell you.
Why does my child get annoyed when I ask questions?
Lots of questions in a row can feel like an interrogation, especially when they’re tired. One good question with space for the answer usually works better.
Is it OK not to know everything about my child’s life?
Yes. Children need some privacy as they grow. What matters most is that they know they can come to you.
Sources
- Kerr, M. and Stattin, H. (2000). What parents know, how they know it, and several forms of adolescent adjustment. Developmental Psychology, 36(3), 366–380.
- Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Luyckx, K. and Goossens, L. (2006). Parenting and adolescent problem behavior: an integrated model with adolescent self-disclosure and perceived parental knowledge as intervening variables. Developmental Psychology, 42(2), 305–318.