30 questions to ask your teenager
that aren’t ‘how was school?’
Ask a teenager how their day was and you might get a shrug. That’s normal. They still want to talk, just not on demand, and not face to face across a table. These 30 questions are sorted by the moments when teenagers tend to open up.
In the car
Side by side, eyes on the road, and an easy way out. Start light.
What is something you always seem to find funny?
What would you do if you had a free afternoon?
What is one of your favourite songs right now?
Would you rather know everything about one subject or a little about every subject?
Would you rather remember everything you read, or everything you hear?
Late at night
Teenagers often talk most when the day is nearly over. Stay up a little and let them lead.
What is happening in your life right now that feels important to you?
Is there something you have been wanting to tell someone but have not found the right time?
Tell me about a feeling you’ve had lately that seemed new or different.
When do you feel like you can really be yourself?
What is a question you wish people would ask about your day?
Friends and their world
Friends matter more than ever at this age. Be curious, not critical.
How can you tell when someone is a true friend?
Would you rather have lots of friends or a few really close ones?
Have you ever had a friendship end?
What have you noticed about how people treat each other lately?
What is something that seems unfair to you?
When things are hard
Offer, don’t push. Sometimes asking is enough, even if the answer is “I’m fine”.
Is there anything upsetting you that you would like my help with?
Have you had any feelings lately that have been hard to handle?
How can I help you stay motivated when things get hard?
Can you think of a time when you were proud of yourself for saying no?
What would you tell your younger self about dealing with big feelings?
About the future
Big questions, no right answers. Listen to who they’re becoming.
What is important to you when you make big choices?
What parts of yourself do you hope never change, even when you’re older?
What do you think it means to live a good life?
Would you rather know what your future holds or be surprised by it?
Would you rather be remembered for being kind or for being wise?
Turn the tables
Let them ask about you. Teenagers notice more than we think.
What do you think I worry about?
What do you think I find hard about being your parent?
Which parts of your personality do you think are like mine?
What do you think is important to me?
What kind of relationship do you think we will have when you’re older?
Questions that work both ways
The last five questions ask your teenager about you. It’s the idea at the heart of Tuko, from the Johari window. We each see things in the other that they can’t see in themselves. For a teenager, being asked what they think of you is a sign of respect. Answer honestly, and it becomes a conversation, not an interview.
Read about the Johari window →If something they say worries you
Thank them for telling you, and stay calm. If you’re worried about their safety or wellbeing, talk to their GP, their school counsellor or a local helpline. You don’t have to handle it alone.
Three tips
Side by side beats face to face.
Car journeys, walks and washing up take the pressure off.
Turning everyday moments into conversations →Listen more than you fix.
Teenagers stop talking when every answer becomes advice.
Truly hearing your child →If it goes wrong, go back.
A tense conversation isn’t the end. How you repair it matters more.
Yelled at your child? How to repair and reconnect →There are hundreds more in Tuko, sorted from silly to deep. Try 30 questions free.
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