When your child stops talking to you in their early teens
The chatty kid who told you everything has gone quiet. It’s normal, it’s usually not about you and there’s a lot you can still do.
IN THIS ARTICLE
It can happen almost overnight. The child who used to follow you around telling you every detail of their day now answers in single words, spends more time in their room and seems to have a whole life you know nothing about.
Many parents find this hard. It can feel like losing someone, even though they’re right there at the dinner table. It’s natural to miss the younger version of your child.
The good news is that the quiet is usually a phase of growing up, not the end of your relationship.
What’s going on
As children move into their teens, they start working out who they are apart from their family. Wanting more say over their own life, from friends to how they look, is an expected part of growing towards independence.
Research backs up what many parents notice. One study followed 390 young people from age 12 to 19. It found that teenagers told their parents less about what they got up to in early adolescence. For girls, it picked up again in the mid-teens. For boys, it tended to stay lower.
Talking less isn’t the same as being less close, and there’s a lot you can still do.
What doesn’t help
When a child goes quiet, it’s tempting to ask more. More questions, more often, more directly. Usually that makes things worse. A teenager who feels interviewed often shares less, not more.
It also doesn’t help to take it personally, or to tell them they’ve changed. They know. They’re often as unsure about it as you are.
What does help
Keep showing up. Be around, without needing anything from them. Sit in the same room. Offer a lift. Make their favourite toast. Teenagers often talk when they’re ready, and they’re more likely to do it with someone who’s nearby.
Talk about their world, not just their day. “How was school?” gets a shrug. Questions about ideas, opinions and what they think about things tend to go further.
Respect the closed door. Giving them privacy shows you trust them. It can also make them more likely to come to you when something matters.
Go side by side. Cars, walks, cooking and late-night snacks all work better than sitting face to face.
Share first. Tell them about something you got wrong, or something you’ve changed your mind about. It makes it easier for them to do the same.
Questions that work with teens
All of these are from Tuko. They treat your teenager as someone with ideas worth hearing.
- Have you watched anything lately that changed how you think about things?
- What is something that seems unfair to you?
- What is something that has caused you to change your mind lately?
- What do you think I was like when I was your age?
- What are some ways we could give each other space when we need it?
- When do you find it easier to open up to me?
- What do you think I see in you that you do not always see?
If they don’t want to answer, let it go. Try again another day.
When quiet is more than quiet
Talking less on its own is common. But if it comes with other changes, such as dropping friends, losing interest in things they used to love, changes in sleep or eating or seeming low for weeks, it’s worth checking in gently and talking to your GP or their school.
If your child talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, get help straight away. In Australia, call 000 if they’re in immediate danger, or contact your GP, Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Lifeline (13 11 14).
Your turn
This week, try one question from the list at a relaxed moment, and share your own answer too. Don’t worry if it goes nowhere. You’re showing them the door is still open.
Tuko has nearly 700 questions, including deeper ones that suit older kids. Try 30 questions free.
Common questions
Why has my child stopped talking to me?
As children head into their teens, they want more privacy and independence. Sharing less with parents in early adolescence is common, and for girls in particular it picks up again in the mid-teens.
At what age do kids stop talking to their parents?
Many parents notice a change around the start of the teens. It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped needing you.
How do I get my teenager to talk to me?
Ask fewer, better questions. Be around without pressure, talk side by side, respect their privacy and share your own experiences first.
Should I be worried?
Not usually. Talk to your GP or their school if quietness comes with other changes, such as pulling away from friends, losing interest in things they love or changes in sleep or eating.
Why has my child stopped talking to me?
As children head into their teens, they want more privacy and independence. Sharing less with parents in early adolescence is common, and for girls in particular it picks up again in the mid-teens.
At what age do kids stop talking to their parents?
Many parents notice a change around the start of the teens. It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped needing you.
How do I get my teenager to talk to me?
Ask fewer, better questions. Be around without pressure, talk side by side, respect their privacy and share your own experiences first.
Should I be worried?
Not usually. Talk to your GP or their school if quietness comes with other changes, such as pulling away from friends, losing interest in things they love or changes in sleep or eating.
Sources
- Keijsers, L. and Poulin, F. (2013). Developmental changes in parent–child communication throughout adolescence. Developmental Psychology, 49(12), 2301–2308.
- Raising Children Network, Pre-teen and teen independence: a guide.