Talking with your kids as a dad, step-parent or carer

A lot of parenting advice is written as if the reader is a mum. Plenty of the people raising children aren’t: dads, step-parents, grandparents, foster and kinship carers, aunts and uncles who’ve stepped in.

Every one of those relationships benefits from good conversation. But each comes with its own challenges, so here are some ideas for each.

For dads

Dads’ conversations with their children matter. A review of 24 long-term studies found that 22 reported benefits for children when fathers, or father figures, were actively involved in their lives.

One study of two-parent families looked at how parents talked while playing with their two-year-olds. Children whose fathers used a wider range of words had stronger spoken language a year later. That study was about toddlers, but the point carries: the way you talk with your child makes a difference.

Some things many dads find work well:

• Talk while you do something. Fixing a bike, kicking a ball or driving somewhere. Side by side is often easier than face to face.
• Use humour. A silly question can open a door that a serious one can’t.
• Share your own stories. Children love hearing what you were like at their age, including the times you got it wrong.

For step-parents

Building a relationship with a stepchild takes time, and it’s normal for it to feel slow. Don’t expect instant closeness. Go at a pace that suits the child.

The Raising Children Network suggests that, in the early years, it often works best for the child’s own parent to stay in charge of rules and discipline. The step-parent’s job at first is to build a relationship. Psychologist Patricia Papernow, who has written three books on stepparenting, puts it simply: children aren’t ready for a step-parent’s discipline until a caring, trusting relationship has formed.

Conversation is one of the best ways to build that relationship. Some tips:

• Keep questions light at first. Music, games, food and funny hypotheticals are easier than questions about feelings or family.
• Avoid comparing households. Questions that set one home against another can put a child in a hard spot.
• Let them see who you are. Answer the questions too. It’s easier to trust someone you know.

For grandparents and other carers

Many children are raised by grandparents, relatives or foster carers. Some of these children have been through a lot, and certain questions can touch on things that are hard to talk about.

Follow the child’s lead. Start with light, playful questions and let deeper conversations come when they’re ready. In Tuko, you can always skip a question that doesn’t feel right and move to the next one.

For more on grandparents, read When grandparents join the conversation.

Light questions that work for everyone

All of these are from Tuko. They’re easy to answer and a good way to start.

• What is something you always seem to find funny?
• What would be your dream breakfast?
• What is one of your favourite songs?
• If you could invent a new ice cream flavour, what would it be?
• If your shadow was secretly writing a book about you, what would the title be?
• What do you think I was like when I was your age?
• What is something you have got better at lately?

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Your turn

Whoever you are in your child’s life, pick one question this week and answer it together.

Tuko is for anyone who loves a child, with nearly 700 questions from light to deep. Try 30 questions free.

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Common questions

How can dads talk to their kids more?

Try talking while you do something together, use humour and share your own stories. Short, regular chats count for a lot.

How do I connect with my stepchild?

Go slowly, start with light conversation and let the child’s own parent handle discipline at first. Let them get to know you too.

What should I avoid asking a stepchild?

In the early days, avoid questions that compare households or push for feelings about the family. Keep it light and let them lead.

How can dads talk to their kids more?

Try talking while you do something together, use humour and share your own stories. Short, regular chats count for a lot.

How do I connect with my stepchild?

Go slowly, start with light conversation and let the child’s own parent handle discipline at first. Let them get to know you too.

What should I avoid asking a stepchild?

In the early days, avoid questions that compare households or push for feelings about the family. Keep it light and let them lead.

Sources

• Sarkadi, A., Kristiansson, R., Oberklaid, F. and Bremberg, S. (2008). Fathers’ involvement and children’s developmental outcomes: a systematic review of longitudinal studies. Acta Paediatrica, 97, 153–158.
• Pancsofar, N. and Vernon-Feagans, L. (2006). Mother and father language input to young children: contributions to later language development. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 27, 571–587.
• Raising Children Network, Being a step-parent in a blended family.
• NPR Life Kit (2021), The key to stepparenting: be patient, it takes time.